I put this on facebook, too. But I don't have all of your on facebook and I kind of feel like I'd be cheating you out of a laugh. So if you already saw it, sorryyy.

Life just took a huge shit on me. Next semester is going to suck so, so hard.

so many people are blind, and in a sense i suppose i am, too. i'm still just a child. people see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe. everyone wants to think they are more mature than they are/their age and honestly.. it's bullshit. i only know one person who truly acts a lot older than they are and she doesn't go around telling people that she is so much more mature than most people her age. people want to believe in their faith. that's fine. honestly, i wish i had something like that to believe in but really, at this point nothing really makes me believe. to me a lot of it just seems like bullshit. that things will work out because "god is guiding me" or "my belief in god is invincible." i would like to believe that there is a higher being/something/someone out there looking out for me but it's hard when there's no evidence to back it up. everything i have, i have worked for out of bitterness and responsibilities that i never wanted in the first place. everyone wants everyone to think that their relationship with their significant other is perfect, when in fact they are the only ones who know that it's not. good job staying true to yourself. don't believe what you hear. it's all a farce. everything. friendships. the idea that hard work will get you places. they're lies. knowing people and having money will get you places. hard work never killed anyone-- it just worked them into the ground enough to stay alive, but not necessarily enough to live.

I think this is a really good video. I already posted it to lj & myspace, but what the heck?



Anyway, I went to vote at Flory school today & waited 45 minutes to vote. My parents were shocked since all the years they've been voting there, there has never been a line. We were all happy to see that so many people were coming out to vote. I have sososo much calculus to do! I don't know how I'm going to concentrate when there are constant updates about the election. Exciting!

I feel like I'm not myself lately. I feel like I wake up in someone else's body and go through their daily motions. I think about a lot and continued to be inspired by so many things, yet at the same time I'm not taking any action. I'm just going through the same motions of school and work. I'm keeping pretty busy with that, and I'm also in the process of applying to colleges. I'm terrified, to say the least. I'm scared that all of my worries of not being good enough will come true when the schools I actually want to go to reject me. I feel like once I'm in an environment that's stimulating, I'll finally have motivation to do things that make a difference. I want to find myself.

This week has been really off. I haven't done well on any of the exams I've taken today or yesterday and I still have two I need to study for that are tomorrow. I need to get out of this house, it's so distracting sometimes. I'm still on the quest to find some friends around here. I'm pretty lonely. I miss being able to call Ryan and tell him I'll be outside in 10 minutes or call people up just to go to coffee. Or to even be content just talking with someone instead of having to go out and do something to have company. I want to be able to hang out looking like shit and not cute at all because it doesn't matter since the person I'm with has seen me at my best and my worst. I also wish Corey lived closer. That would make things a lot easier, too. It doesn't help when the only other unrelated human being you have contact with lives 45-45 minutes away. Or fuck, I just wish that I even had a hobby or something.

I started volunteering at Silverado Hospice Center in Simi Valley. It's cool, I like spending my time doing something easy and productive while helping people out. I also think I'm going to start volunteering at the Simi Valley Samaritan Center. Its basically a homeless shelter that people can go to on a daily basis. I don't need hours for anything, it's just a good way to spend time I'd just be vegging out in front of the TV. I really like to help people I guess. It's one of the only things I really like about myself.

I also got a new MacBook Pro! My parents are so generous, I can't even believe it. I feel so bad they spent this money on me, but at the same time it was a hard deal to pass up. I will hopefully slowly repay them because I guess it just doesn't sit well with me. It's a huge jump going from a 12" computer to a 15" computer. I ordered a Pinder bag to carry it around in and I think I'm going to use a neoprene sleeve on top of that. I like this bag because it has a separate compartment for the laptop than for everything else, not just a built-in sleeve for the notebook.



I wasn't too crazy about the red & brown together, but I was more concerned with what it looked like from just the outside. Hopefully I'll like it when I see it in person. I read basically every review I could find about it online and they all gave it really high ratings. I hate ordering things online.

Well I guess I'm going to head to It's a Grind now and do some studying since I obviously can't concentrate on anything at home. I never get anything done here. Oh well. I hope everyone it doing well.

Very rare. Was unable to get photograph. Sightings are becoming more and more frequent.

Not belonging anywhere is difficult.